The Loneliness of the Long Distance Whinger whilst confronting a Sea of Indifference.

I find when I’m in the studio I work so much better if I’m listening to something, at the moment that something is BBC’s Five Live. It used to be Radio Four but the constant fetishizing of balsamic vinegar and truffles combined with its grating Middle Class assumptions finally ground me down and drove me to my natural home, Five Live. It’s a radio station built on a simple but clever device. Each programme takes two or three contentious live issues and invites people to ‘comment’. What they mean by comment is an invitation to complain, moan, whinge, and ideally rant; they want people to air all their fervent grudges, voice their bitter prejudices air their dark intolerance and nurse their obsessive grievances.
Day in day out this parade of misery is aired, often with a regional accent, occasionally with a flash of dark humour, from immigration to the economy, from spoilt children to rude pensioners, from chewing gum to cabbages everybody has an opinion and everyone wants to be heard. Nothing is too trivial or too large to be discussed, we’re a nation so convinced of our opinions that we feel quite happy to share them with millions of other people.

Through weeks and weeks of listening to this and sadly recognising all too clearly my own self righteous bleating reflected right back at me I felt inspired to write to my local councillors about the disgraceful rubbish on our local park. Even as I write this I’m embarrassed at how sad my life has become but in mitigation allow me a brief explanation.
Yes I have become a serial moaner but surely that’s genetically programmed into every Yorkshireman when they top the half century, Five Live certainly features a lot of them particularly from Barnsley for some reason. Not long ago we were threatened with floods and our local council like many across the country, took pre-emptive action and started sandbagging everywhere at risk, this included our local park. However long after the risk had disappeared the sandbags remained only now they were strewn across our very neat park, some spilling their sand others dumped and piled to make makeshift bike jumps. With these came other bits of unusual vandalism, branches broken off trees to stick into sandbags, bottles balanced and smashed with suspicious evil smelling wet patches made of god knows what. Anyway it was a mess and getting worse, something had to be done.

I find Five Live is never short of people volubly expressing their disgust at the youth of today and how disgruntled they’ve become at their ineffective, impotent councils. Well after listening to hours and hours of this sort of thing I thought I would put it to the test and write to my own local councillors. I would compose an email with a mix of baffled reasonableness and disappointment that would also hint at my ability to muster the legions of other local whingers just waiting for a noble cause to unleash their relentless complaining. I would be the Dark Master, a cunning Machiavelli of Moaning, a stirring Napoleon of Nattering, the councillors would barely comprehend the vast forces gathering on their horizon. Through Five Live I would send out coded messages ordering my troops to assemble at the War Memorial ready for an assault on the Town Hall.

Well the email went out and lo and behold within an hour or two I had three answers all very jolly and supportive, thanking me for pointing out this mess and assuring me action would be taken and blimey, it was. Within a few days the park was all clean, tidy and tickety boo, not a sandbag in sight. Even more remarkable, today I received a letter thanking me for my interest and once more reassuring me decisive action would be taken, the bins would be renewed and the park closely monitored for any future vandalism. I’m pleased that my first stab at direct action had worked so well, but in another way I’m also a little disappointed because my Five Live moment had been snatched away by those super efficient council folk. I was looking forward to a bit of moaning and whinging with my fellow complainers and now all I can do is praise the council and somehow it doesn’t feel proper, it’s not the natural order of things, anyway here goes, well done Calderdale Council – you see that just doesn’t sound right.

In the studio as well as listening to my diet of disgruntlement I’ve also been finishing off three portraits I’ve had hanging around for awhile. The trouble with an unfinished portrait is that over time it develops the accusatory look of a disappointed lover, it seems to be saying, ‘You know you could have done better, now pull your finger out, turn the radio off and lets get the job done’, and that’s what I’ve done.
The painting of Elaine is gouache on paper stuck on board, it’s a great surface to work on but I find it a real challenge to mix just the right tones with gouache as the paint dries significantly lighter than its wet state. I tend not to glaze with it but rely on accurate colour mixing so there is usually litres of paint on the palette and lots of frustrating to’ing and fro’ing trying to get just the right tone and colour. All the revisions and over painting make for an interesting surface so it’s not all bad.
The Barbara Windsor study was just begging to be worked up, all that weird cockatoo hair was just so much fun to paint, and it’s also gouache on paper on board.
The portrait of Raymond Tsoi is in oil on canvas and is a little larger than life size; it’s a legacy from my Hong Kong days. It has taken ages to paint because there is a lot of glazing and subtle building up of tones to try and get the skin colour correct, I like the detail a lot and might try and paint some over sized close cropped faces (remember you heard it here first!). I’m presently struggling with some large landscapes and object paintings, they are not really still lifes but they have objects in them and they are a real pain to try and get right.

Finally some news on the dog front. As you know we have a small portly pug who my daughter has diagnosed as a food obsessive and a highly strung delicate Papillion who basically lives off shredded tissues which he prepares nightly. At least we thought that was the case until we started coming across caches of ‘food’ stashed about the house. So far we have found a partly eaten fishfinger hidden amongst a pile of clean socks. (I know what you’re thinking you Radio Four listeners, but the fishfinger is a versatile and nutritious addition to any meal when sprinkled with a little balsamic vinegar and tossed in a truffle salad okay!) A gnarled sausage gave us a nasty surprise when searching for the remote control down the side of the sofa cushion. Various meat products frequently turn up secreted amongst the dirty washing and the acme of his secret hoarding was to place a slimy dog chew under a pillow in our bed, yum yum just ready for that midnight feast. In my more philosophical moments, when the radio is off a little tune drifts through my head and it’s reminiscent of Edwin Starr’s song, ‘War’ but the words go something like this……….’Dogs….What are they good for……absolutely nothing……………..! I might give Five Live a ring.

Comments

[Laura]

That top one is absolutely superb! Of course, most of what you do is, so we are not surprised. I love the system of hatches you've devised for shaping and toning and coloring her face.

[Tom]

Thanks Laura. Of course cross-hatching is the home of the coward insofar as you nibble away at a piece of work instead of taking great chunks in the manner of a Singer Sargent! I wish I could make half a dozen reckless slashes with a big brush and voila the image would be there - but sadly it never works for me!

[Helen]

The portraits are fabulous! And, of course, your commentary is too! Glad the local park took heed to your concerns! And your comments about your dogs always cause me to laugh!
Happy Easter and Spring to you!